you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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