Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
