So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
