can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
