Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
