Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
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