Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
