Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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