Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
