Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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