Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
