Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
