So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
