If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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