Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
