Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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