and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
