Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
