I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
It's official drugs can't kill me
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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