Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
