Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
