Jerry, you need to find god
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
