my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Well I just put wine in my tea
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
