If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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