A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
