So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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