when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
