That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
