I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
