evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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