gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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