I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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