anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize