I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
