i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
