He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
