Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
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