i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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