Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
This is classic penis vs brain.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
