He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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