Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
