I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
