maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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