Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
