God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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