My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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