My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
