As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
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