took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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