my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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