so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
