...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
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