it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
