dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
